Bard, Monk, and Barbarian happen to all be visiting the town of Haribo. While resting at the Mule & Pickle, Barbarian, tired of clunking around in armor all goddamn day, gets a room in which to change (refusing the assistance of a lady). While there he makes sure to hide his underwear in his helmet. Because that makes sense for a paranoid Barbarian for some reason. Bard plays boring traditional music in the tavern, and Monk listens. Clopping of hooves are heard outside accompanied by the howling of wolves. A woman screams and runs into the tavern, bleeding and mumbling about being attacked by wolves.
Barbarian goes to investigate and sees that one of the two horses tethered outside is missing. Three large, white wolves with red markings on their heads rush him. The first two wiff and the third takes a chunk out of his calf. Monk runs upstairs just so he can dash out of window and land on the front porch below, bellowing “PARKOUR!!”. Barbarian begins hacking at the wolves in a rage.
Monk leaps over the porch railing, quarterstaff raised to strike. He hits the tavern sign instead. Pissed, he kicks the wolf to make it look like that was totally on purpose. He kicks the wolf so hard that one of its ribs cracks off and impales its heart. Bard meantime does nothing useful for the party, instead assisting the injured woman, who fainted, and was promptly passed off to a burly and now suddenly shirtless tavern patron (see: Lumberjack).
In a flurry of hacking motions the Barbarian successfully cuts off the tail of one of the wolves. Bard finally rushes outside and casts Thaumaturgy cantrip, shouting in infernal, and scaring the beejesus out of the two remaining wolves. Thus distracted, Barbarian ENDS one of the wolves. The third turns to run. Barbarian and Monk pursue, tossing javelins and staffs all over the place. Bard runs down the stoop and nails it with a crossbow bolt. Huzzah!
Bard begins post-victory chatter and is completely ignored by Barbarian. Monk attempts to engage Barbarian in small talk and discovers he has personal space issues. Barbarian decides to skin the wolves, and Monk takes the severed tail.
While Barbarian is skinning the wolves, Bard and Monk go back inside the tavern to examine the fainted woman. Bard points out that the wound is particularly nasty, convincing an elder to fetch the town wisewoman. Monk dresses the wound as a cover to gank everything she’s got. Incidentally, he actually does a really good job of dressing the wound.
Lumberjack (shirtless tavern patron) mentions that around the time the moon gets red and full people in groups of less than three tend to disappear if they wander outdoors. Usually this happens on the north side of the town, on the road to Eclipse (next town over). The party is encouraged to stay the night at the inn and get a head start in the morning.
Barbarian thinks Monk is hitting on him and takes the opportunity to shack up with Bard instead. Bard is completely oblivious to his advances and assumes he’s just super cuddly and affectionate, despite his complete disinterest in speaking with her earlier. She still friend zones him. While they’re getting cozy, Monk sneaks into the room all ninja like. He searches for Barbarian’s underwear – apparently Barbarian is not paranoid after all! – but fails miserably, assuming all warrior types keep loose fabric around in their helmets.
The next day they come across an abandoned campsite, discovering a severed (and much gnawed on) hand under a cart. A log book found on site puts the last date entry as three days prior. Monk searches around and finds a potion of waterbreathing and night vision goggles. Bard, in an extremely rare moment of perceptivity, notices paw prints from the cart leading down to the crick and emerging on the otherside. Monk points out that the wolves must have had a humanoid with them as the letters D E T A were written in blood on a nearby rock face. Bard confirms the letters are not intrinsically magical. During the investigation Barbarian steps off to the side to confirm his underwear is indeed still on. This means he hasn’t changed them out yet, and that’s just nasty.
Monk parkours up some rocks and Bard attempts to wade through the crick. They are charged by a bear with a line of red fur down it’s head. Monk bashes the shit out of its skull and round-house kicks it like Van Damme. Bear claws his shoulder in return. Barbarian rage-charges and murdelizes it, ruining the DM’s plot to kill the entire party and free himself from this horrible burden.
Monk, despite having his arm nearly torn off, proclaims the Barbarian stole his kill. Barbarian chuckles and retorts, “Who’s the thief now?” Bard expresses her complete confusion about the presence of a thief in the party. Barbarian licks the bear’s corpse in victory. Monk knocks out a tooth as a trophy. Bard looks on in disgust.
They get to the cleverly named Halfway Inn and buy some health potions before continuing on their way to Eclipse.